Rabbi Rifat Sonsino, Ph.D
I could not believe my eyes when I recently read in the local papers that Travis Decker was being sought for the murder of his three daughters, ages, 9,8 and 5. What kind of a monster does that, I asked myself .Similarly, In early March, the Boston Globe reported that a Connecticut woman was accused of holding her step son captive for two decades. As a norm, parents love their children and cherish them. But there are some bad apples there too.
The question is what is the obligation of a child vi-a-vis an abusive parent in Jewish law?
Rabbinic literature does recognize that some parents can be abusive and condemns it. According to the Talmud (Moed Katan 17a), if you see a man beating up his grown-up son, that parent should be placed under a ban, because he transgressed the admonition of the Torah that states, “Before the blind, you shall not place a stumbling block” (Lev. 19:16).
A few years ago, when I was active in my congregation, in the greater Boston area, I once met with a congregant who had a dilemma. She told me that her father was severely ill and wanted to know what her obligation towards him was. That is not difficult, I said. You have to take care of him. But, Rabbi, she replied, that man was an abusing parent! Well, I said, the Decalogue tells us to “honor” our parents, not necessarily to “love” them. If you cannot do that yourself, pay someone else to do it, I concluded. Jewish law is on my side. According to the Shulhan Arukh, the Code of Jewish law, “Even if one’s parent is an evil-doer and a violator of the law, one must honor and show reverence for that parent” (Yore Dea, 240:18).
That is not easy to do, I agree. The Bible has few examples of how to honor our parents. The Rabbinic literature has a long list in Kid. 31b, such as feeding them and taking them out for all the household needs.
In our time, honoring an older parent should include making sure their bills are paid on time, that they are taken to doctors’ appointments, that they live in a safe and secure place, that there is good communication between them and the children and grandchildren. If there is love between them, that is even better.
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