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Wednesday, July 3, 2019

ON GETTING OLD; A CONFESSION


Rabbi Rifat Sonsino, Ph.D

July, 2019


According to the biblical legend, Moses was 120 years old when he died; “his eyes were undimmed and his vigor unabated” (Deut.34: 7). Today, rare is the individual who can reach this limit, if ever. Furthermore, most people age at different speed, some much faster than others. I am almost 81 years old, and in relative good shape, even if I have a small belly that I never had before. I work as a part-time university professor, teaching Ethics at Framingham State University. I publish a blog (“SONSINO’S BLOG”) that, at the present time, has more than 430,000 viewers around the globe, and I give public lectures in my community. I go to the gym every day. My wife and I live in the independent living quarters of a large complex called, “The Willows” in Westborough, MA, and continue to travel to various places of interest. However, I am aware of the fact that I am getting older, and am going through a number of changes, both physical and emotional. For example:


1.     My memory is not what it used to be. Even though I can easily recall various details in history, both past and more recent, and still lecture using only  notes, and not a full text in front of me, I now have some difficulty with visualizing how to go from A to B in my own community. So, in order to compensate for it, I create little maps to help me navigate through the streets of Boston. Similarly, in the past, as a Rabbi and a university teacher, I did very well with the names of my students and members of my congregation. But now I am having problems with remembering the names of the people with whom I interact daily. These changes are starting to bother me. 


2.     I left Istanbul, Turkey, at the age of 21, after law school and military service, to study for the Rabbinate, with no intentions of returning. I wanted to create a new life for myself in a totally different culture. I studied in Paris and Cincinnati, and served in Buenos Aires as a newly minted Rabbi, before coming to the States in order to get my Ph.D. in Bible. But as I get older, I remember and even yearn for the food that I used to eat as a child and the music that I used to sing and listen to in my youth. So, I go to Middle Eastern restaurants and listen to well-known singers of my adolescence, both Jewish and non-Jewish, knowing full well that they belong to a long-gone era of my life that cannot be repeated. 


3.     There are some cultural trends that I now find difficult to understand or appreciate. For example, I cannot relate to rap music or the popular music of the present age. Nor do I understand the appeal to tattooing or piercing that is becoming so prevalent among the young people of our time. 


4.     I am slowing down a bit, and I am getting tired much faster than before. 


5.     I am becoming more impatient. In the past, I used to tolerate diversity of thought with resilience. But, having developed a philosophy of life and a theology based on reason and rationality, I now have the tendency to roll my eyes when I read or hear statements that are so incredulous. 


6.     Because I have a mild case of IBS, I find myself restricting my activities to places where facilities are at easy reach. Many adults and younger people, and especially my grandchildren, have a hard time understanding these personal limitations. That saddens me, because I cannot participate in many of their activities. 


7.     In the past, I lived in the moment, and rarely thought about the distant future. Now, I realize that, with good luck, I may have, at most, 10 more years to live. And if I am given more, that would be the icing on the cake. So, I have started to think about how I would be remembered, if at all. Having written a book entitled, What Happens After I Die, and having argued against resurrection or reincarnation, I now believe in living through my deeds. I assume that my body will disintegrate, and the energy I represent will return to the source of life. My sincere hope is that I will be remembered with blessing through my books and articles, and for all my teachings and all the good that I tried to do in my limited time.  


10 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. You have a wonderful way of expressing the personal and universal aspects of almost everything you write. This touches close to home - I am 72, my husband 74. We are looking to downsize our possessions and maximize our experiences. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.

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  3. yes dear Rifat.. aging and knowing the reality that comes from breathing..ie, .. living to older age.. yes, it can be harsh..it is...unless we surrender to the pure and simple reality that nothing and (as my mother used to say) “no one lives forever.” She was right. It would be nice to be remembered. My aunt Bea would say, “don’t forget me.” I haven’t .. I will carry with me forever, the light of the lives now gone. I can only hope the next generations will continue the traditions of memory as a blessing. But, if not... the blog, books, texts, social media .. may..MAY.. be a reminder that we have deep roots, strong ..very strong connections to our history, and herstory. .. so you will be remembered dear friend.. especially if you leave a bunch of money to family members. ������

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  4. To my classmate and friend Rifat,

    I deeply appreciate your personal reflections on aging, and your ability to face what we all must eventually face, the concluding moments of life and what, after we are gone, will be left behind of us that will both tell our life’s stories and preserve our memory in other peoples minds. I, too, have “rehearsed” these thoughts of the “what” and “why” of human life - of my human life - and come away with similar conclusions. Where I differ with your analysis is in living out the “end game.” I just turned 79. My father died at 74, my mother at 83, my paternal great-grandmother at 104. I do not know - or assume - the number of years I will be privileged to continue my life’s journey. What I do know is that rather then succumb to the aging process, I will continue to push myself to play harder. I’ve given up softball, but play tennis (mostly doubles) by adjusting from the once “big serve and volley” to a slower serve with better placement and more spin and an incredible “drop shot” from the deep end of the court. I swim, though fewer laps, but also exercise/stretch in the pool before and after swimming. I try to keep my mind sharp by taking on newer and more diverse responsibilities in the community (both Jewish and secular), by challenging my mental capacities with new concepts and intricate sets of information in the fields of genetics, bio-ethics, condominium law and public-pension regulations, all of which are intricate in and of themselves, all of which require me to read and study the ever-evolving information applicable to each of these fields. And, at the very same time, I try to pay more attention to family, friends and the two synagogues where I have taken an active role - our synagogue in New Jersey (where I am Emeritus) and our synagogue on Longboat Key where I chair a major committe.

    I am both content with my lot, challenged by my present responsibilities, positive in my outlook and embracing of the changes that my body and mind are experiencing and, everyday, more and more in love with my life’s partner and best friend, amazed by our children, exhilarated by our grandchildren and embraced by our multi-generational friends whose impact on our lives is better than all the vitamins we “pop” each morning. I do not know when I will take my final breath - I do know that I will not fixate on that moment or the particular circumstance that will cause it to be. Each evening when I turn the lights off, and each morning, when I awake, the last and the first words I speak are to Sheila, and they are “I love you!”

    My life, to this point in time, has been mostly good; like all human beings, we have had our ups and downs. We have mastered the art of dealing with those high, and low points on our journey. We wish you and Ines calm seas and new and exciting adventures. Enjoy the highs, master the art of surviving the lows, and greet each new day with a smile. We, two of your long-time friends, will always be here to embrace you both. If you should stumble, we’ll help Ines pick you up; if you forget a fact or moment in history, we’ll ask google or Siri. You are not alone; though geography keeps us apart, we are as near to you as one human being can be to another.

    We wish you ad meah esrim- so focus on that!

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  5. I read your blog on "Getting Old" with special interest. Inasmuch as you and I were born on the same day and same year I could identify with it in many ways. There are also some ways in which our experiences differ. I want to thank you for your sensitive reflection. And then I read the response by our mutual friend Peter Kasdan. I especially identified with what Peter write. I, too, see myself as playing harder though I don't seem to think that I need to push myself very much to do that. I consider myself to be abundantly blessed in that I do not have any significant health problems, I have a wonderful family, I am quite active in numerous community activities including serving on numerous boards and chairing committees. All in all, I see myself as being extremely fortunate. But I also realize that this can change either gradually or instantly. I am always amazed and delighted when people express surprise when I tell them that I am now 80 years old. I guess I still see myself as "youthful" and don;t think of this as a matter of self-delusion. The most difficult thing about reaching this age is seeing my contemporaries face serious health challenges, dementia or dying. Last August, preparing for my 80th birthday Rita and I hosted a dinner at a local restaurant for close family and friends. There were 25 of us in attendance. Since then 6 of the 25 have died - each of them a dear friend. That is both sad and sobering, especially since 3 of the six were younger than I. I do want to thank both of you - Rifat and Peter - for sharing your reflections. While I don't see any of us reaching the Mosaic 120 I do hope that all of us can have quite a few more years of good health, contentment, fun. Like Rifat I hope that when the time comes I might be remembered as having done some good in my limited time. I have no doubt that both Rifat and Peter will be so remembered.

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  6. Thanks, Hillel, we are in deed blessed.

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