WHITE LIES

 Rabbi Rifat Sonsino, Ph.D

In my professional life, either as an author or as a speaker, I try to be very careful about what I say and what I write. I am also trained as a lawyer and know that every word counts, because words, I believe, have power of action. According to the Bible, when God began to create the world, the text says, “God said: let there be light , and there was light” (Gen.1:3). So, God created the universe (allegorically) with the power of words. In ancient times, borders were secured by placing curses on signs, on the assumption that if one crossed illegally, the curse itself would take effect. Following the teachings of the biblical Book of Proverbs that state, “Death and Life are within the power of the tongue” (18:21), I try to use the media truthfully, not to destroy but to build. I am aware of the fact that it is easier to criticize and to denigrate, and it takes a greater effort to support, encourage or uplift the other. Ultimately, lies beget other lies, whereas truth prevails. Remember, words can be forgiven but can never be forgotten.

Yet, there are occasions when truth can be very hurtful, and can destroy friendships and family bonds. So, at times one resorts to a white lie. What is a while lie? It is an untruth told to spare feelings. The difference between a “black lie” and a “white lie” is that one uses a “black lie” to gain a personal benefit, whereas a “white lie” is often used to please another. The Torah records a good example: In Genesis 18, when God promised Abraham that he would have a child in a year’s time, Sarah, his wife, said to herself, “Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment-seeing that my husband is so old” (v.12). Yet, when God repeated these words to Abraham, he changed them to say, not that Abraham was old but that Sarah was old. Thus, as the medieval rabbinic commentator Rashi points out, God saved the good relationship between husband and wife.

The ancient Rabbis also knew of white lies and allowed them in limited circumstances. Here is an example. In the Talmud (Ket. 17a) we are told that the Rabbis were discussing the issue of how to describe the bride in a marriage document. The followers of the school of Shammai argued that the bride should be described truthfully, “as she is.” Whereas the followers of the school of Hillel maintained that the bride should always be described as being pretty. The Sages concluded that in marriage one praises the wife as being fair and attractive.

According to the ancient Rabbis, it is permissible to even exaggerate the facts in order  to establish peace between individuals. Here is an example:

When two people had a dispute, Aaron [the High Priest] went and sat near one of them and said to him: "My son, see what your friend is doing? He is beating his heart and tearing his clothing saying: "Woe is me. How can I lift up my eyes and look at my friend. I am ashamed of myself since I was the one who offended him." Aaron would sit with him until he removed the hatred from his heart. Aaron would then go and sit next to the other and say to him: "My son, see what your friend is doing? He is beating his heart and tearing his clothing saying: "Woe is me. How can I lift up my eyes and look at my friend. I am ashamed of myself since I was the one who offended him." Aaron would sit with him until he removed the hatred from his heart.When the two met, they would they hugged and kissed each other. (Avot de Rabbi Natan 12:3).

Modern writers very often support the use of white lies to promote goodwill. Doing some research online, I found a source that lists 60 popular white lies, whereas another one has 15. Some white lies save relationships, others ease a hectic situation and yet others buy us some time. Among them, we have, “Yeah, you look great in this dress,” “I have no idea how fast I was going,” “I’ll start working on that ASAP,” “He/she was with me last night,” “I thought I already sent that email out.” I would also add, “the check is in the mail.”

As long as we are not hurting others or breaking the law, these white lies make life more pleasant. However, if they become routine, and are used all the time, we undermine the trust that others have in us. In the Talmud, Yeb.63 a, we are told that Rav (3^rd century, Amora) did not have a good relationship with his wife. In the words of the Talmud, “She would constantly aggravate him.”  When Hiyya, Rav’s son, grew up, he would alter his father’s words so as not to anger his mother. When Rab became aware of his son’s tactics, he told him to stop doing that, less it becomes a life pattern for his son.

In our time, some politicians make use of white lies so often that we do not know where the truth is and where the lies begin. So, we don’t trust them. But that is not the correct way to communicate with others. We have to be truthful and reliable. So, my advice for you is to follow the teachings of Ecclesiastes that tells us to keep our words few in number (5:1), and to use white lies only in extreme cases. Please don’t forget to tell me you absolutely loved my short essay!!